I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
