I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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