love makes seman taste better
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
