Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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