I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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