just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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