saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize