he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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