I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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