i don't plan on having that self control this summer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
