If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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