the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
