i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
