Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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