don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
