i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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