went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
