Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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