Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
