We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
