he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
