When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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