you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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