Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
