I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize