I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
