Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
