I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
