I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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