Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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