Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
