My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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