remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize