Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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