I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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