Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
