If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
