I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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