did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
