I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
