Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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