party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
