i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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