So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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