oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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