pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
