Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize