actually, I'm a sock model
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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