i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
