i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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