Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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