I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
