A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
