it's not cheating when I paid for it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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