The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
