fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
