I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i now understand why vodka
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
