If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
